You are now driving war

|
I've got a bunch of friends who are currently in the car-shopping business. I spent a while reading reviews and ran into The Truth About Cars, a car review site which is clearly written by insane gearheads but is much more entertaining than your typical car review. Here's the review of the new Audi RS4, a vehicle which bears the same relationship to my Audi S4 as the S4 bears to the old boring A4, and which the voices in my head are now commanding me to buy:

Buy a Toyota Prius and you get a backup camera, keyless ignition, iPod integration and travel over 50 miles for every gallon of gas poured therein. Buy an Audi RS4 and you don't even get self-dimming mirrors, and you can only drive 11 miles per gallon of dead dinos (EPA notwithstanding). The Prius will set you back $25k. The RS4 costs three Prii. At freeway speeds, the Toyota is a near silent and comfortable cruiser, whereas the Audi sounds and feels like a volcano making love to an avalanche. I only tell you this because the moment I saw the RS4 a Toyota angel appeared on my left shoulder and an Audi demon manifested itself on my right. And then I drove the RS4 and the demon kicked the snot out of the angel.

...

Audi used every trick in the playbook to get the RS4 — with 58% of its weight over the front wheels — to handle near-on perfectly. Credit the DRC (Dynamic Ride Control) which hydraulically links the diagonal suspension bits to each other. As the front wheels read the road, the rear shocks preemptively (and correctly) react. This setup works so well the WRC just banned it. The engineers also made sure every body panel in front of the doors is composed of kilogram saving aluminum. And the 19" Pirellis are fantastic. While the initial turn in isn't as effortless and eager as say an EVO, this two-ton all-wheel driver can safely carry more speed through a corner than you can handle. After the apex, the RS4 can blast sideways with such force that you will swear you are piloting violence.

And that's before you push the innocuous little button marked "S." Normally, the RS4 is faster than whatever car you are driving next to, sounds bonkers and has a devastatingly punishing ride. Push the button though, and three things happen. First, the throttle control is remapped so that the rev-happy mill will crank faster with less input. Second, valves open in the mufflers changing the sound from Howard Dean's scream to Gunnery Sgt. Hartman showing Joker his war face. Lastly, the shocks get firmer and the ride goes from mercilessly painful to f-you. I absolutely love it. Forget violence, you are now driving war.

Unfortunately, by the time I finished reading this review, Mrs. Guesswork had hidden my checkbook.